Reboot

Part one of this ongoing journey:

At one point in our lives I feel like we all have the wish that we could "run away", "start fresh", "have a clean slate", and other phrases for the same action of just a good ol' fashion ctrl+alt+delete and reboot. I am at that crossroad in my life and it is exhilarating and absolutely terrifying at the same time. After being at the same company/industry for 9 years and staying there out of convenience, comfort, and just plain being a coward I was laid off (along with the rest of the country). It was a toxic job towards the end; with no personal interaction, watching others leave around me, having a coworker take his on life and then being stuck in an office from 8-5 all by myself it really takes a toll on your well being and mental health. When my boss came to and let me know my office would be closing I can't say I was shocked but I still dealt with the feelings of loss. I had put my all into that office and I felt like through the years lost track of myself through that job and felt so stifled by my surroundings and options. Losing that comfort and normalcy in my life has been jarring and has really given me the opportunity to reevaluate my life. I have gotten to this point in my life by getting in my own way at times, being lazy and overall terrified of failing so I fail to even try. I feel like I have been given a second chance and I don't want to waste it and shoot for the stars. So join me on this journey of figuring myself out, growing up and ya' know what being selfish.

Please don't get in my way, cause for once I'm going to try to not get in my own either.

Listening to: Mat Kearney - Young Love

Sooo When are ya'all gonna have kids...

This to me has become one of the rudest questions someone can ask. Since Travis and I have gotten married it seems as almost instantly as you say "I do" some overbearing family member is asking "so when are you going to have kids?" Why do we have to decide, why can't we enjoy each other first. And it seems as the time has passed the questions turn almost hostile and you hear them a lot more. "Why haven't you had kids yet," and at this point in my life it infuriates me. I myself have asked that question of other couples in relationships and I regret doing so, and probably will never ask again. You/I don't know a couples thoughts/feelings/ or even circumstances for having children and trust me now being in the situation I am in that line of questioning stings every time. Much like the feeling I get in my heart when I see a cute lil pregnant woman and the thought of the chance of never being able to experience that feeling. So the next time someone asks me "When are you going to have kids," my response shall be "When you let me borrow your uterus and ovaries thanks!"

Only time will tell and if it's God's will it will happen but for the time being hug your children, cherish those 9 months , and if you want we are free to babysit.

Manic Monday... more like Depressed Monday

“When so many are lonely as seem to be lonely, it would be inexcusably selfish to be lonely alone.” - Tennessee Williams

I've been feeling really alone lately, and it's odd because I'm usually surrounded by people. I find it fascinating that so many of us have these feelings so many times in our lives and yet we can never fill that void for each other or really make the person feel better. I've felt like this many times before and it usually passes it's just some sort of funk I fall into. Even weirder is that when I feel like this, I want to be alone ... a little ironic, I think so. It's one of those days where nothing is right with the world and everyone is stupid. I'm usually a pretty positive person and I strongly believe that positivity breeds positive things and as so with negative. These are the times where I need to be creative I need to write , or paint, or even reorganize something. I need to learn to be happier with myself and I want to improve myself. I mean what a waste of life if you never strive to be a better person or do extrordinary things. There are always things I want to strive to be better at for whether it be my health, or patience. Maybe that's the problem that lately I feel like I haven't been evolving, I've just been existing. I want to be a better wife, friend, daughter, worker and christian. Sometimes it's hard because I feel like I'm evolving and other people are devolving (if that's even a word) and like I'm outgrowing the people around me, and I understand that this probably sounds so pretentious but I'm sure other people have felt this way before... I'm just saying it.